Move forward, not on

This TED talk on grief moved me to tears. As Nora states, what you’re experiencing is not a moment in time, your loss will stick with you for the rest of your life. You became the person you are right now, because of what you’ve been through. You don’t move on from your grief, you take the experience with you and move forward. Future decisions will probably be made based on this experience.

After losing two pregnancies, my personal experience with grief is that sometimes I almost felt even more hurt by the things people would say to me, than the loss itself (I’m exaggerating of course but you get my point). People mean well, but they seem to have absolutely no idea of the impact of their words (‘at least you know you can get pregnant’, ‘this is not the end’, ‘it’s for the better, there must have been something wrong with it from the start’, ‘I know someone who…’ etc etc.). It all painfully emphasized what I had lost.

Dreams I hardly dared to dream were smashed to pieces. I thought I would be too old to even get pregnant. Or that this wasn’t meant to be for me. Once we found out I was pregnant I was very afraid of letting hope in. Didn’t dare to believe that I would actually be lucky enough to have a baby. Only after 11 weeks I allowed myself to buy some books about pregnancy and I started reading like a maniac. And then one day before the ultrasound (after which it would finally be safe to tell our families), bad luck struck us. I had an extremely traumatic experience and by the time I got home from the hospital, literally empty, I finally realised how badly I had wanted this for a long time. All the little fantasies we talked about, all the things you imagined doing with your little one, the whole future you had in mind. ALL OVER in just one afternoon.

Not all wounds are meant to heal.

Nora McInerny

The feelings haven’t worn off the slightest bit in almost two years time. Holding my head up high but I’m crying on the inside when I hold other people’s babies in my arms. There is a sadness I will carry with me forever and I’m not ashamed of it. As Nora explains so beautifully and accurately, the feelings you have about your loss are not necessarily interfering with positive feelings. They co-exist, are ‘strands to the same thread’. I’m still happy for other moms to be, sad for myself though. However, I will not defend my sadness for something that is real to me.

Es ist was es ist

Was es ist

Es ist Unsinn
sagt die Vernunft
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist Unglück
sagt die Berechnung
Es ist nichts als Schmerz
sagt die Angst
Es ist aussichtslos
sagt die Einsicht
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist lächerlich
sagt der Stolz
Es ist leichtsinnig
sagt die Vorsicht
Es ist unmöglich
sagt die Erfahrung
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Erich Fried

The Stress Monster

While most people have no clue how severe the impact of stress and thus an overdose of cortisol can be for your body and brain, I can confirm all of the mentioned effects and some more. Once you are in that vicious circle it is very hard to escape from it. 

Wisest lesson learned is very simple: change what can be changed and leave what is no longer of any use. Be aware of all the signals you are getting from your body. It’s your most honest friend.

Luckily I unpacked my meditation pillow today..

Happy End

This video made me laugh so hard when I posted it three years ago. Probably because I was so familiar with this situation, I have seen so many friends splitting up for these reasons. Very, very painful if you still love each other I imagine. I just hád to check if Jonathan had his so much wanted babies. And by checking his hilarious Instagram account I found out he did!

I’m just a sucker for a happy end!

What If I Fall?

Well, then I’ll get up. Not afraid of falling or taking the next step any longer. Not waiting for other people to take control, this life is about me. So I take responsibility about my own happiness. Leaving behind what is of no need any longer and taking on what is precious. Travel light. Maybe it’s time to learn to be less (yes indeed) empathic and think about my own needs.

And what I do need are people I can trust, deeply connect with, feel safe around and where I can be ME. Life changing decisions, again, are to be taken this year. And this time I feel even more confident that for the constant struggle of the last year I will be rewarded at the end. 

Countdown has begun!

50 things that make me happy

Now I am not sure which list is more important to me. The previous one or this one. It is kind of funny to do this and see what automatically comes up. Guess it is pretty clear that I love to use my senses 🙂 This is also one of the boxes to tick off from the DayZero project. It was actually quite hard to stop at 50..

  • the smell of freshly cut grass
  • the smell of the sea
  • the smell of the woods
  • the smell of rain after a dry summer
  • touching the skin of a peach
  • going with my hands through fine sand
  • the feeling that I’m loved by friends and family
  • old people still being in love
  • travelling by myself
  • staring into fire
  • crisp sheets on my bed
  • the stars
  • the moon
  • pinguins
  • the sound of the waves
  • waking up at the beach all drowsy just before sunset
  • walking barefoot through the grass
  • M U S I C (preferably live)
  • reading
  • the smell of strawberries
  • symmetry
  • nature
  • hiking
  • taking photos
  • making things with my hands
  • decorating houses
  • good talks with friends
  • kissing and hugging
  • dancing
  • truly connecting with people
  • laughing till my stomach hurts
  • real chocolate
  • a home cooked meal
  • absorbing other cultures and write about them
  • clouds, and yes, still spotting figures
  • driving (a bit too fast) and singing to loud music
  • lonesome trees
  • waking up to the sound of birds in the morning
  • first spring sun on my skin
  • someone stroking my hair
  • observing people
  • wild flowers
  • the thought of what lies ahead of me
  • my grandmother’s old photo album
  • saxophones and trumpets
  • sweet notes in unexpected places
  • people with twinkly eyes
  • sheep
  • lying in a hammock
  • being with someone who understands you without having to speak

Very curious about yours!