This TED talk on grief moved me to tears. As Nora states, what you’re experiencing is not a moment in time, your loss will stick with you for the rest of your life. You became the person you are right now, because of what you’ve been through. You don’t move on from your grief, you take the experience with you and move forward. Future decisions will probably be made based on this experience.
After losing two pregnancies, my personal experience with grief is that sometimes I almost felt even more hurt by the things people would say to me, than the loss itself (I’m exaggerating of course but you get my point). People mean well, but they seem to have absolutely no idea of the impact of their words (‘at least you know you can get pregnant’, ‘this is not the end’, ‘it’s for the better, there must have been something wrong with it from the start’, ‘I know someone who…’ etc etc.). It all painfully emphasized what I had lost.
Dreams I hardly dared to dream were smashed to pieces. I thought I would be too old to even get pregnant. Or that this wasn’t meant to be for me. Once we found out I was pregnant I was very afraid of letting hope in. Didn’t dare to believe that I would actually be lucky enough to have a baby. Only after 11 weeks I allowed myself to buy some books about pregnancy and I started reading like a maniac. And then one day before the ultrasound (after which it would finally be safe to tell our families), bad luck struck us. I had an extremely traumatic experience and by the time I got home from the hospital, literally empty, I finally realised how badly I had wanted this for a long time. All the little fantasies we talked about, all the things you imagined doing with your little one, the whole future you had in mind. ALL OVER in just one afternoon.
Not all wounds are meant to heal.
The feelings haven’t worn off the slightest bit in almost two years time. Holding my head up high but I’m crying on the inside when I hold other people’s babies in my arms. There is a sadness I will carry with me forever and I’m not ashamed of it. As Nora explains so beautifully and accurately, the feelings you have about your loss are not necessarily interfering with positive feelings. They co-exist, are ‘strands to the same thread’. I’m still happy for other moms to be, sad for myself though. However, I will not defend my sadness for something that is real to me.
While most people have no clue how severe the impact of stress and thus an overdose of cortisol can be for your body and brain, I can confirm all of the mentioned effects and some more. Once you are in that vicious circle it is very hard to escape from it. Wisest lesson learned is very simple: change what can be changed and leave what is no longer of any use. Be aware of all the signals you are getting from your body. It’s your most honest friend. Luckily I unpacked my meditation pillow today..
Seldomly have I seen such a clear explanation of the difference between a male and female approach of a problem. Immediately recognized the problemsolving approach of men but for women it’s NOT about the nail! It’s all about listening and most importantly, being heard. In my world, that is 😉
This video made me laugh so hard when I posted it three years ago. Probably because I was so familiar with this situation, I have seen so many friends splitting up for these reasons. Very, very painful if you still love each other I imagine. I just hád to check if Jonathan had his so much wanted babies. And by checking his hilarious Instagram account I found out he did! I’m just a sucker for a happy end!
Well, then I’ll get up. Not afraid of falling or taking the next step any longer. Not waiting for other people to take control, this life is about me. So I take responsibility about my own happiness. Leaving behind what is of no need any longer and taking on what is precious. Travel light. Maybe it’s time to learn to be less (yes indeed) empathic and think about my own needs. And what I do need are people I can trust, deeply connect with, feel safe around and where I can be ME. Life changing decisions, again, are to be taken this year. And this time I feel even more confident that for the constant struggle of the last year I will be rewarded at the end. Countdown has begun!
Now I am not sure which list is more important to me. The previous one or this one. It is kind of funny to do this and see what automatically comes up. Guess it is pretty clear that I love to use my senses 🙂 This is also one of the boxes to tick off from the DayZero project. It was actually quite hard to stop at 50..
the smell of freshly cut grass
the smell of the sea
the smell of the woods
the smell of rain after a dry summer
touching the skin of a peach
going with my hands through fine sand
the feeling that I’m loved by friends and family
old people still being in love
travelling by myself
staring into fire
crisp sheets on my bed
the sound of the waves
waking up at the beach all drowsy just before sunset
walking barefoot through the grass
M U S I C (preferably live)
the smell of strawberries
making things with my hands
good talks with friends
kissing and hugging
truly connecting with people
laughing till my stomach hurts
a home cooked meal
absorbing other cultures and write about them
clouds, and yes, still spotting figures
driving (a bit too fast) and singing to loud music
waking up to the sound of birds in the morning
first spring sun on my skin
someone stroking my hair
the thought of what lies ahead of me
my grandmother’s old photo album
saxophones and trumpets
sweet notes in unexpected places
people with twinkly eyes
lying in a hammock
being with someone who understands you without having to speak